One thing I will always regret is, having let myself believe that my family would not accept and support me for who I am. Some things I have been through, someone shouldn’t have to deal with on their own. But for some reason, I made it a goal, not to let anyone into my personal life or have any knowledge whatsoever what was going on behind closed doors.
This is weird for me, because I was always a very open and loving child, and it goes against my grain not to open up to people. But I no longer saw it as opening up but more as ‘off-loading’ or ‘burdening’ others. And I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I am the kind of person that people always do that to. And as much as it does burden me, I enjoy knowing that I can be that person that I didn’t have there to do that to. It’s not because I didn’t have friends that I could talk to, but the fact that when I did speak to someone, they wouldn’t know what to say, and the most common thing that came out of those conversations was them feeling sorry for me.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am, or try to be at least, a strong person. Physically and mentally, I don’t like showing weakness. And the last thing, that I have come to detest, are people feeling sorry for me. Because all that really achieves is that person thinking, that they really do have it bad.
Family are meant to take on that burden though, it’s an unwritten law that you would take anything on to take a burden off your family member. The thing with my family, like many, many families, we have our problems. Everyone does. But I think what my parents failed to understand was, and most parents have difficulty understanding, that teenagers especially will do things, experiment etc, and it is not a sign of bad parenting or your kids going off the rails, it is simply teenagers learning themselves.
It almost angers me sometimes thinking back on certain events, however it is also useful to have these things burned into my mind, so that one day when I have kids, I know what not to do. And yes I will turn out like my parents in many ways. But I can only hope that I will never, ever, make my child feel like something they do, whether it may be sex, drugs, tattoos etc, would ever be a taboo topic to discuss. The worst possible thing a parent can do is say you are not to do this, this and this, and expect that to be upheld, having said that obviously it is important to have certain boundaries. The point is, the more rules you place on people, the more they will fight against them. This isn’t rocket science. It’s a well known fact that we as humans love to rebel against protocols.
Rigid restrictions mixed with traumatic experiences, equals an unstoppable force that is that of a teenager. And without your family there because you fear judgment and consequences, it is hard to see where else there is to go.
It’s hard to understand really what someone is talking about when you have no background information. But explaining my life story seems a bit ironic after everything that I’ve said. And also everyone has their stories; we’re all in the same boat. That definitely seems to be what everyone seems to forget. They become self centred and woeful about their lives and think that they’re the only one. I’m starting to see the selfish side in that now, because no one I have spoken to has had it perfect. And it doesn’t take much to make sure that someone else is okay.